Alright, so today didn't really happen. Well, sort of. Bad news- I failed on my mission to make it to the gym. I left early for work this morning and left my gym bag at the house. The plan was to come home and get it, but I had forgot about a commitment I had made to a co-worker of mine who does not have a washer/dryer. I have been buried in her laundry since I got home. Good news- NO FRIED FOOD!!! It was actually harder than I thought it would be. Several times I went to pick up a random fry at work and had to remind myself and throw it away. So, the day is not a total wash.
Tomorrow is an 11 hour work day, so the gym is not going to happen. Let's try for Monday.
Good night.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
A new beginning..
Alright. Here I go. My name is Nicole. I am 26 years old and at a stand still in my life. I finished a bachelor's degree and was unable to find a job. I'm working as a waitress and have started taking classes again to become a medical assistant. I have a boyfriend who I love very much. We have been together for 10 months, which at moments feels like a second and at other moments feels like an eternity. We've been living together with our families and will be getting our own place here in the next month or so. We've also been thinking about starting a family.
Here I am. I'm 26 years old and wanting a family. I want to have a baby. Growing up, all I wanted to was to have a family and kids. I thought it was my way to dealing with the pressure from my mother to give her grandkids. Then, just over two years ago, my mother died. With her death came a strange relief of pressure. I was no longer in a hurry to have children. In fact, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married or have children. I didn't want to be connected to something that could be taken away again. I was going to live free of attachments. I live like that for a while and then started to realize that I wasn't feeling free. I wasn't healing from my grief. That's not to say that I have healed or that I will ever heal. I'm not sure that happens, but I knew that I would never start to feel whole until I could find a way to love again. I had to learn to make attachments and connect with something/someone.
It was around this time that Fernando came into my life. It was something that I wasn't really looking for and certainly wasn't expecting. He is wonderful. He causes me to think of life differently. He causes my life to be exciting, fun, wonderful, interesting, stressful, chaotic, etc. He has shown me what it means to feel loved. He has taught me how to love someone. He has taught me what it is to grow as a person. He has significantly helped me in pulling the pieces back together.
So, a family. a baby. holy crap that is scary. It's not scary in a "I'm not sure i'm ready" kind of a way, but in a "this is a real, big decision". We have made the decision to not get off of the birth control until January. A new year. That being said, now it is time for me to get to work.
I am a diabetic. I am on insulin. It is an incredibly annoying part of my life and will lead to a pregnancy requiring dramatically more work that I had anticipated growing up. I am currently at 180 pounds. I am unhappy with this for many reasons, but the biggest thought in my mind is that I want to have as healthy of a pregnancy as possible and this starts with losing some weight. I am here because I need an outlet. I need someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to celebrate my triumphs with and someone to confess my failures to. I have friends, I have Fernando, but I need someone outside of my circle. Someone objective. So, I chose the internet. It is strange, but people do it all of the time.
Tomorrow morning everything changes. I need to work on finding a way to manage my stress. I need to stop eating when I am upset. I am going to go to the gym tomorrow. I haven't been in months, probably a year. I've been paying for a membership and I haven't gone. I am not saying that I am going everyday. I am saying that I'm going tomorrow. Day 1. One day at a time. Also, tomorrow I am not going to eat anything fried. Again, I am not making a drastic cut in my life, but tomorrow I will say no. If tomorrow is successful, I guess we will work on Day 2.
wish me luck. i'm going to need it.
talk to you soon friend.
nicole
Here I am. I'm 26 years old and wanting a family. I want to have a baby. Growing up, all I wanted to was to have a family and kids. I thought it was my way to dealing with the pressure from my mother to give her grandkids. Then, just over two years ago, my mother died. With her death came a strange relief of pressure. I was no longer in a hurry to have children. In fact, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married or have children. I didn't want to be connected to something that could be taken away again. I was going to live free of attachments. I live like that for a while and then started to realize that I wasn't feeling free. I wasn't healing from my grief. That's not to say that I have healed or that I will ever heal. I'm not sure that happens, but I knew that I would never start to feel whole until I could find a way to love again. I had to learn to make attachments and connect with something/someone.
It was around this time that Fernando came into my life. It was something that I wasn't really looking for and certainly wasn't expecting. He is wonderful. He causes me to think of life differently. He causes my life to be exciting, fun, wonderful, interesting, stressful, chaotic, etc. He has shown me what it means to feel loved. He has taught me how to love someone. He has taught me what it is to grow as a person. He has significantly helped me in pulling the pieces back together.
So, a family. a baby. holy crap that is scary. It's not scary in a "I'm not sure i'm ready" kind of a way, but in a "this is a real, big decision". We have made the decision to not get off of the birth control until January. A new year. That being said, now it is time for me to get to work.
I am a diabetic. I am on insulin. It is an incredibly annoying part of my life and will lead to a pregnancy requiring dramatically more work that I had anticipated growing up. I am currently at 180 pounds. I am unhappy with this for many reasons, but the biggest thought in my mind is that I want to have as healthy of a pregnancy as possible and this starts with losing some weight. I am here because I need an outlet. I need someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to celebrate my triumphs with and someone to confess my failures to. I have friends, I have Fernando, but I need someone outside of my circle. Someone objective. So, I chose the internet. It is strange, but people do it all of the time.
Tomorrow morning everything changes. I need to work on finding a way to manage my stress. I need to stop eating when I am upset. I am going to go to the gym tomorrow. I haven't been in months, probably a year. I've been paying for a membership and I haven't gone. I am not saying that I am going everyday. I am saying that I'm going tomorrow. Day 1. One day at a time. Also, tomorrow I am not going to eat anything fried. Again, I am not making a drastic cut in my life, but tomorrow I will say no. If tomorrow is successful, I guess we will work on Day 2.
wish me luck. i'm going to need it.
talk to you soon friend.
nicole
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